The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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