Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
