if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
