Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You ruined the universe
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
