We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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