Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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