Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
