I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
