i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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