Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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