All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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