so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
