woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Oh god it's open bar.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
