i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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