my being single is dangerous.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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