My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
