so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
