id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
