I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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