When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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