I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
