don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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