I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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