This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
