Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
