kristin has been a bad kristin
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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