I looked at my own cervix.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
