some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
