Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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