Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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