i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
