i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I see more hoeing in ur future
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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