Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
