When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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