you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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