Only a mothe r could love this liver
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
