I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
