The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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