her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Drake has all the answers
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
