Don't you send me to vm
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
