every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
