I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
