i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
