Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
