she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
