My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
