I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
