woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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