I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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