the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
